1+ day, 10+ hour ago  (103+ words) After months of mounting pressure, the Democratic National Committee released a draft of its 2024 election autopsy report, which fails to incorporate information from interviews with Biden or Harris and doesn't use the words "Israel" or "Gaza." What do you think?...

2+ day, 3+ hour ago  (247+ words) The post Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu's Throat appeared first on The Onion. Bank Gets House In Divorce Mass Grave Not Even That Big AI Email Summary Longer Than Email Man Wants To Find Algorithm, Scream…...

2+ day, 9+ hour ago  (115+ words) Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons of alternative landscaping. Fucks with stupid ants Delays climate apocalypse by 0. 3 seconds Housing of pollinators provides…...

2+ day, 3+ hour ago  (321+ words) The Onion Bank Gets House In Divorce Mass Grave Not Even That Big AI Email Summary Longer Than Email Man Wants To Find Algorithm, Scream "I Don't Have Toenail Fungus' At It Man With Undetected Pancreatic Tumor Finally Starts Flossing…...

2+ day, 3+ hour ago  (429+ words) WASHINGTON'In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member's life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack. "Quick, get him on an…...

2+ day, 9+ hour ago  (476+ words) LOS ANGELES'Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a sperm and an egg. "Thanks to my team of regenerative health physicians, I have effectively reversed…...

2+ day, 11+ hour ago  (583+ words) NEW YORK'Calling the innovation a remarkable step forward in removing fallible judgment from the game, MLB executives announced Friday that they would be attempting to reduce human error with new electronic bat boys. "Until now, MLB has depended on the…...

2+ day, 11+ hour ago  (622+ words) NEW YORK'Warning that curt greetings and aggressive demands could be a sign someone was a scammer, JPMorgan Chase officials reminded customers Friday to only share banking information with people who seemed nice. "Fraudsters can use your online passwords and PINs…...

2+ day, 9+ hour ago  (85+ words) A study found that Japanese eels have two different types of sperm, shedding light on why fisheries encountered such low fertility rates during artificial insemination. What do you think? "This explains a lot about my sexual experiences with eels." "And…...

2+ day, 9+ hour ago  (262+ words) The post Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9 appeared first on The Onion. Bank Gets House In Divorce Mass Grave Not Even That Big AI Email Summary Longer Than Email Man Wants To Find Algorithm, Scream "I Don't Have…...