15+ hour, 30+ min ago  (62+ words) 30% chance of Ragnarok (March 21 to April 19): You will never earn the respect of your peers if you keep inviting them to your house for slumber parties. Enables storage, such as cookies, related to analytics (for example, visit duration) Enables storage,…...

17+ hour, 37+ min ago  (433+ words) 30% chance of Ragnarok Public Worries Delusional Author May Use Social Media LONDON'Urging the public to remain calm as authorities worked to recapture the mentally disturbed individual, city officials confirmed Monday that novelist J. K. Rowling had escaped from a London insane asylum....

17+ hour, 27+ min ago  (335+ words) LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND'In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game's rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was adding a race car piece to the playing board. In all officially sanctioned matches played…...

19+ hour, 41+ min ago  (188+ words) Own a piece of history while lording your precious uniqueness over everyone around you with this wildly impractical $2 million statement home. Reference #70369 The post Converted Church For Yuppie Douchebags appeared first on The Onion. Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To…...

23+ hour, 41+ min ago  (203+ words) The post Usha Vance Catches Husband Measuring Her Skull Again appeared first on The Onion. Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies Wrong Spray Merely Freshens…...

23+ hour, 41+ min ago  (107+ words) Avid online shopper Evelyn Simmons, 55, passed away suddenly, making this an opportune time for porch pirates to finally make their move. The post Evelyn Simmons appeared first on The Onion. Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased Cycle Of…...

1+ day, 10+ hour ago  (109+ words) A U. S. Air Force officer who went missing after his fighter jet was shot down over a remote area of Iran has been rescued, with the CIA having developed a deception plan to buy time for the high stakes operation. What…...

1+ day, 20+ hour ago  (204+ words) The post Snob Doesn't Think Audiobook Counts As Real Porn appeared first on The Onion. Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies Wrong Spray Merely Freshens…...

1+ day, 20+ hour ago  (207+ words) The post Artemis II Astronaut Decapitated By Telephone Pole After Sticking Head Out Window appeared first on The Onion. Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies…...

1+ day, 17+ hour ago  (281+ words) NEW YORK'In a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings for her struggling programs this week by kidnapping the mother of evening anchor Tony Dokoupil. "I'm…...