1+ hour, 32+ min ago  (129+ words) Legendary corporate raider Bruce Nakagami, 76, is doing leveraged buyouts with the angels now. The post Bruce Nakagami appeared first on The Onion. Wife Embarrasses Husband In Front Of Prostitute Nation's Elderly Hit Hard By Closing Automatic Doors That Asshole From…...

1+ hour, 32+ min ago  (473+ words) Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had…...

1+ hour, 32+ min ago  (115+ words) The post Agriculture Department Puts Trump's Face On Soybeans appeared first on The Onion. Wife Embarrasses Husband In Front Of Prostitute Nation's Elderly Hit Hard By Closing Automatic Doors That Asshole From High School Now That Asshole From TV Area…...

1+ hour, 32+ min ago  (271+ words) Desire To Murder May Have Driven Man To Pull Trigger The post Police Suspect Gunman's Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People appeared first on The Onion. COLUMBIA, MO'Stressing that they could not yet pinpoint any definitive rationale, Columbia police…...

1+ hour, 32+ min ago  (306+ words) WASHINGTON'Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity's power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earth's biggest pedophile. "People of Earth, you will bring us before…...

17+ hour, 10+ min ago  (114+ words) The Onion Nation's Elderly Hit Hard By Closing Automatic Doors That Asshole From High School Now That Asshole From TV Area 5-Year-Old Has To Go To The Doctor For Her Buh-gina Harvard-Educated Texan Not Sure Which Place To Mention First…...

21+ hour, 33+ min ago  (113+ words) The Onion Nation's Elderly Hit Hard By Closing Automatic Doors That Asshole From High School Now That Asshole From TV Area 5-Year-Old Has To Go To The Doctor For Her Buh-gina Harvard-Educated Texan Not Sure Which Place To Mention First…...

1+ day, 1+ hour ago  (146+ words) The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring. The post Anya Lopez and Sara Jarrett appeared first on The Onion....

1+ day, 1+ hour ago  (260+ words) WASHINGTON'Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world. "We're getting very close to meeting…...

1+ day, 1+ hour ago  (154+ words) A large airy kitchen like this, with ample room for seating? Mom's definitely going to say it's time for your generation to start hosting holidays. Reference #33813 The post Damn It, Mom's Totally Going To Make You Host Christmas Now appeared…...