News
BREAKING: Mitch Mc Connell Apparently Has a Heart
12+ hour, 33+ min ago (185+ words) WASHINGTON " News that Sen. Mitch Mc Connell was found unconscious after suffering a severe heart attack in his Washington, D. C. home has rocked the nation's capital, with Washington insiders reporting that they were "blindsided" by the revelation that the 84-year-old Kentucky…...
Polls Show Ken Paxton Performing Favorably Among the Cannibalistic, Chainsaw-Wielding, Human Skin Mask-Wearing Faction of the Texas Electorate
7+ hour, 47+ min ago (95+ words) WASHINGTON " Texas Republican nominee in the 2026 U. S. Senate election Ken Paxton is currently enjoying a wide berth over Democratic opponent James Talarico among the state's cannibalistic, chainsaw-wielding, human skin mask-wearing electorate, according to an independent poll. Paxton was thrilled at the…...
Co-Worker Who Started Watching Soccer Last Week Already Knows Enough to Mansplain
1+ day, 8+ hour ago (146+ words) RALEIGH, N. C. " Local procurement specialist Will Abbott revealed that he spent nearly an entire afternoon skimming the rules, players, and developing storylines of competitive soccer, providing him with enough knowledge to condescendingly explain the sport to women, confirmed sources." Abbott's colleagues…...
We Sat Down With Anti-Trans Swimmer Riley Gaines To Find Out What Other Sports She Fucking Sucks At
2+ day, 8+ hour ago (327+ words) The Hard Times: Hi Riley, it's nice to meet you. Riley Gaines: Happy to be here. HT: So what's new with you? RG: Well, I just gave a speech to Republicans in Adams County, Illinois, at the Lincoln Reagan Trump…...
Even Harsher Feedback Coming From Noise Artist's Dad
3+ day, 4+ hour ago (120+ words) BROOKLYN, N. Y. " Even harsher feedback was reportedly coming Monday from a local noise artist's dad, whose sustained barrage of personal insults and practical life advice could be heard throughout an otherwise overwhelmingly abrasive experimental music set, confused audience members confirmed. The…...
Eagle Scout Finally Putting Knot Tying Skills To Use as Shibari Instructor
5+ day, 2+ hour ago (132+ words) DES MOINES, Iowa " Highly decorated Eagle Scout Jeff Bronson was excited to finally put his knot tying skills to use as a shibari instructor, according to several sources familiar with the proud 23-year-old." Customers of Bronson's shibari instruction school were…...
If You Are Reading This Hard Times Headline, You Are ANTIFA, and You Have Already Been Sentenced to 100 Years in Prison
6+ day, 7+ hour ago (386+ words) Dear reader and threat to America," If this headline has even made it in front of your eyeballs, you are a dangerous member of the ANTIFA terror organization, and you will be imprisoned for 100 years." Don't worry, your trial has…...
Dave Mustaine Too Busy Filing Complaints With Amoeba Music's Manager To Record "What's in My Bag?' Segment
6+ day, 8+ hour ago (94+ words) LOS ANGELES " Legendary thrash musician and Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine was too busy complaining to the manager of Amoeba Music to record his "What's in My Bag?" segment, sources report. Camera operator Todd Fairbanks recounted his experience trying to complete…...
Hardest Part of Sex Worker's Job Is Pretending Tony Hinchcliffe's Punches Hurt
1+ week, 8+ hour ago (428+ words) The Hard Times AUSTIN, Texas " Local sex worker Alyx Cline revealed this week that the public has a wildly inaccurate understanding of her profession's greatest challenges and that the true hazard of the job is the grueling labor of pretending…...
Picky Cat Will Only Chew on Cords Plugged Into Walls
1+ week, 6+ day ago (111+ words) MINNEAPOLIS " A one-year-old tabby named Paulie turned down nearly all forms of cat food offered to him, opting instead to partake only in chewing on electrical cords plugged into wall sockets around his home, frustrated owners have confirmed. Paulie's owners…...