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My Annual Performance, as Reviewed by My Dog
5+ hour, 9+ min ago (465+ words) Please rate Erica on a scale of 1-5 on how she demonstrates the following: CONSISTENCY: 5 Erica does fantastic treat work, always offering me a tasty morsel after walks, even though she doesn’t contribute to our daily quota for eating grass. PUNCTUALITY:…...
How Many University Vice-Chancellors Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?
1+ day, 9+ min ago (287+ words) One Vice-Chancellor for Administration and Finance to commission a feasibility study. One Vice-Chancellor for Institutional Effectiveness to assess the impact of the increased lumens on university accreditation. One Vice-Chancellor for Strategic Planning to align the lightbulb replacement with at least…...
I’ll Give You Fifteen Thousand Dollars to Stop Asking Me to Go Hiking
1+ day, 5+ hour ago (494+ words) First off, congratulations on becoming an “outdoors person.” Three years ago, you thought mosquitoes were government drones. Now you own boots with names like “Expedition Carbon Ultra GTX.” People change. I’m happy for you. Which is why I’d like to…...
Our University Does Not Require Books, Paper, or Human Knowledge
2+ day, 9+ min ago (500+ words) Welcome to the university of the future. Our new digital-forward brand of education requires no books, no paper, and, best of all, no human knowledge. The customers—I mean, Young Learning Partners™—simply pay their tuition and begin their virtual…...
Things That Happened to Both Odysseus in The Odyssey and to Me on My Bachelorette Trip
2+ day, 5+ hour ago (855+ words) 1. We went to war with our friends. Odysseus and his buddies fought in the Trojan War on what was essentially a decades-long boys’ trip. I went to Nantucket to fight with 23 of my closest girlfriends for three days. 2. We did…...
Reasons That I, a Billionaire, Am Still Miserable
5+ day, 9+ min ago (455+ words) The yacht’s Wi-Fi became weak for almost forty-five seconds while crossing the Mediterranean, forcing me to experience what experts call “a thought.” My personal chef interpreted “comfort food” as “deconstructed truffle-infused childhood,” when what I wanted was a grilled cheese…...
Nature Endures - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
5+ day, 3+ hour ago (13+ words) Is it nature’s sweet sounds, or side effects of the local data center?...
All the Things My New Meat Glasses Can Do
5+ day, 5+ hour ago (638+ words) I’m so excited my new Meat Glasses have arrived in the mail. I unwrap them and turn them over. Wow, they’ve really done it. You can’t see the camera under the ground beef at all. In fact, they look like…...
FAQ: Your Favorite ’70s Song Is in Our Prescription Drug Commercial
6+ day, 37+ min ago (331+ words) Q: Couldn’t you have written your own song? Or reused that Greatest Showman one? Original songs are more of a weight-loss drug’s game, and we can only use “This Is Me” in so many ways. So now, ’70s music is the soundtrack…...
Work is Not Your Family, but AI is Your Friend
6+ day, 5+ hour ago (630+ words) McSweeney’s Internet Tendency Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month and get access to author interviews, content calls, discounts at our store, and more. Help support our writers and keep our site ad-free. Work is Not Your Family,…...