14+ hour, 15+ min ago  (256+ words) President Trump has declared complete and total victory over his pants after spending six weeks shitting in them. "After spending six weeks shitting in my own pants in, frankly, a way that no pants have ever been shat in before,…...

1+ day, 10+ hour ago  (312+ words) Donald Trump has succeeded in returning the Strait of Hormuz to precisely where it was last month, all for the meagre cost of billions of dollars, the lives of numerous US servicemen, and ongoing global economic volatility. Trump supporters have…...

1+ day, 12+ hour ago  (281+ words) The Oxford English Dictionary has decided to update its definition of the word "ultimatum" after Donald Trump skewered its original meaning. Following Donald Trump"s latest "ultimatum", which once again failed to deliver what he wanted, scholars have decided "Word…...

1+ day, 11+ hour ago  (601+ words) A local parent has today quietly questioned the amount of time their children are spending playing computer games over the school holidays, while also privately acknowledging that the arrangement is "frankly the best thing that's happened to me since they…...

1+ day, 14+ hour ago  (227+ words) Donald Trump has withdrawn his threat of obliterating Iran, after he was asked nicely not to. The alleged President of the United States had threatened to destroy Iran completely, in a threat as lunatic as it was impotent. However, a…...

1+ day, 23+ hour ago  (104+ words) News Thump You can become a News Thump supporter and help keep satire free from the influence of billionaire algorithms for as little as the price of a mediocre coffee! Yet more News Thump stories Wireless Festival back on as…...

2+ day, 6+ hour ago  (267+ words) Wireless Festival has announced a surprise set from Heinrich Himmler, after it was cancelled because the government blocked Kanye West from entering the UK." The Wireless Festival faced massive backlash for allowing the controversial rapper to headline their festival, and…...

2+ day, 13+ hour ago  (19+ words) Why Easter eggs should be part of a healthy balanced breakfast, by Jake aged 7 and three-quarters'newsthump. com...

4+ day, 10+ hour ago  (288+ words) A man who demanded chocolate eggs have the word "Easter" written all over the packaging didn"t bother going to church again this year. Forty-eight-year-old Simon Williams has spent most of the past two months menacingly tweeting supermarkets and chocolate…...

3+ day, 7+ hour ago  (279+ words) Confused holidaymakers are today seeking clarification from the world's Christian churches as to what exactly Jesus did on the Monday to warrant the current bank holiday. "I get Good Friday, sort of," said one worker enjoying a day off by…...